
Introduction
Welcome to another episode of the "You're Blank, What Now?" podcast. I'm Marci Nettles, your host, and I am thrilled to be with you again. This podcast is dedicated to sharing stories of individuals who have navigated their way from breakdowns to breakthroughs—those pivotal moments when life presents a choice: stay stuck or push forward into a new reality. Our guest today embodies this journey, and her story is both heart-wrenching and inspiring.
Meet Betsy Gall
Today, I have the honor of speaking with Betsy Gall, a remarkable woman who has faced immense personal tragedy with resilience and grace. Betsy, along with her three children—Grady, Gavin, and Sophie—and their beloved dog, Liberty, splits her time between Charlotte, North Carolina, and Minneapolis, Minnesota. She focuses on faith, family, and friends, while also being an active real estate agent, investor, and habitual remodeler.
Betsy's life was forever altered when her oncologist husband, Dr. Matthew Gall, tragically took his own life on Thanksgiving Day in 2019. Since then, she has become a passionate advocate, speaking across the country about physician suicide—a topic close to her heart. Recently, she published a book titled The Illusion of the Perfect Profession, which explores love, physician suicide, and finding comfort and purpose in the aftermath of loss.
Before the Tragedy: Life with Matthew
Betsy reflects on her life before meeting Matthew, describing herself as a young woman living in Chicago with her girlfriends after college. Despite not having much money, she enjoyed her time working at Bloomingdale's and in the store fixturing industry. It was during this time that she met Matthew, who was then a resident at UIC in Chicago. Their whirlwind romance was filled with excitement and love, though not without the stress that comes with a medical residency.
After nearly a decade in real estate, Betsy speaks fondly of her love for the work, particularly remodeling projects—a passion she still pursues today.
Facing the Empty Nest: A New Chapter
As her children prepare to leave home, Betsy grapples with the anxiety of becoming an empty nester. This transition, she admits, brings a sense of loss, especially as a widow. Betsy never anticipated facing this stage of life alone and acknowledges the emotional challenges that come with it. Despite these feelings, she remains optimistic, recognizing that this new chapter also presents opportunities for personal growth.
The Love Story
Betsy and Matthew were married at 29, and she reminisces about how grateful she is for the time she spent enjoying her 20s. Their relationship was a mix of love, excitement, and the inevitable stress that comes with Matthew’s demanding career. Matthew, a passionate man with a big heart, made the most of his time outside the hospital, embracing life fully despite the pressures of his work as an oncologist.
The Best of Times
Matthew's humor, though sometimes unintentional, was one of the many things Betsy loved about him. He had a passion for simple pleasures—like mowing the lawn—and an unyielding loyalty to the Pittsburgh Steelers. The couple shared many hobbies, including mountain biking and skiing, which became cherished family activities. Betsy fondly remembers their home as the center of entertainment, where Matthew's compassion and love for others were always on display.
The Weight of the Profession
Matthew was in private practice for 16 years, following 14 years of rigorous schooling. The journey to becoming a doctor is arduous, and the stress doesn’t end with obtaining the degree. The pressure from medical records, insurance companies, and staying updated with the latest research weighed heavily on Matthew. Vacations were often accompanied by stacks of medical journals instead of novels, a testament to the relentless demands of his profession.
Betsy recalls a poignant moment that encapsulates Matthew’s deep compassion: after diagnosing a close family friend with cancer, who later passed away, Matthew wondered if the man's wife blamed him. This question highlighted the emotional toll that patient care took on him—a burden that grew heavier with each loss.
The Unseen Struggle: Depression and Stress
The move from Minneapolis to Charlotte marked a turning point. The job Matthew took in Charlotte was not what he had expected, leading to feelings of regret and what he termed "career suicide." Despite Betsy’s reassurances and suggestions to leave the job, Matthew’s despair deepened—a drastic shift for a man she had never seen truly depressed.
The Weight of Identity and the Silent Struggle
The move to a new town and the challenges it brought seemed to trigger something deeply unsettling in Matt. A man who had always thrived on his ability to overcome obstacles and achieve whatever he set his mind to suddenly found himself in unfamiliar territory. The symptoms were subtle at first—withdrawal from activities he once enjoyed, like grilling or going for bike rides, and an unusual lethargy that saw him lying on the couch instead of engaging in his usual routines. These signs, though perplexing, might have been easy to dismiss as temporary stress or fatigue from the move. However, they were early indicators of a much deeper issue: depression.
The Invisible Burden
Depression is often insidious, creeping in slowly and silently, sometimes masked by a facade of normalcy. For Matt, a man who had always prided himself on his strength and determination, the concept of depression was likely foreign. Yet, as time passed, the signs became more pronounced—he stopped sleeping, lost interest in the things he loved, and seemed to carry a weight that he could no longer bear. This drastic change was alarming, especially for someone who had always been the epitome of stability and resilience.
In the medical profession, there is often an unspoken expectation that doctors must be infallible. They are trained to show no weakness, to always have the answers, and to remain composed under pressure. This unrealistic standard can create a tremendous amount of internal pressure, leading many to suppress their struggles. For Matt, whose identity was so intricately tied to his role as a doctor, the move and the subsequent challenges might have felt like a personal failure, a "career suicide" as he described it. The weight of this perceived failure, coupled with the inability to reconcile his self-worth with his professional identity, likely contributed to his rapid decline.
The Sudden Descent
What made Matt's situation even more tragic was the speed with which his mental health deteriorated. Within just three months of moving, he went from being a strong, capable doctor to someone who felt trapped and hopeless. This rapid decline took everyone by surprise. Friends, family, and colleagues were left in shock, unable to comprehend how someone who seemed to have it all—a successful career, a loving family, and a bright future—could fall so quickly and so deeply into despair.
For Matt, the idea of losing his identity as a doctor was too much to bear. His entire life had been built around this role, and without it, he might have felt as though he had nothing left. The realization that he could no longer continue in the career he had dedicated his life to must have been devastating. Despite the love and support of those around him, Matt was unable to see a way out of the darkness that had enveloped him.
The Aftermath: Guilt and Shame
In the wake of Matt's suicide, those closest to him were left grappling with intense feelings of guilt and shame. This is a common response among the loved ones of those who die by suicide. The mind becomes an investigator, replaying every interaction, searching for signs that were missed, wondering if something could have been done to prevent the tragedy. Betsy, Matt's wife, describes the overwhelming sense of shame she felt, even as she was still in shock. She worried about what others would think, questioning her role in his death, and whether she had somehow failed him.
This guilt was not hers alone to bear. Matt's children, parents, brothers, and close friends all experienced similar feelings, each wondering what they could have done differently. It is a cruel irony that those left behind by suicide often feel responsible, even though they had no control over the mental illness that led to their loved one's death. As Betsy eventually realized through therapy, she did not cause Matt's depression, nor could she have cured it. Mental illness is a disease, just like cancer or heart disease, and it is not something that can be controlled or wished away.
The Reality of Physician Suicide
Matt's story is not an isolated one. The reality is that physicians have a significantly higher rate of suicide compared to the general population. In fact, the statistics are staggering—every year, approximately 400 doctors in the United States take their own lives, which equates to about one doctor per day. This is equivalent to an entire medical school class being wiped out annually.
Despite these alarming numbers, physician suicide remains a largely unspoken issue within the medical community. The culture of medicine often discourages doctors from seeking help for mental health issues, perpetuating a cycle of silence and suffering. When Betsy stumbled upon a Facebook post by an old acquaintance about physician suicide just days before Matt's death, it was a chilling reminder of how prevalent this issue is. Matt's quiet acknowledgment of the post suggested that he was well aware of the risks, yet the stigma surrounding mental health in the medical profession likely prevented him from seeking the help he so desperately needed.
Breaking the Silence
In writing about Matt's story, Betsy hopes to shed light on the pressures faced by physicians and the toll that these pressures can take on their mental health. By sharing her experience, she aims to break the silence surrounding physician suicide and encourage others to speak openly about their struggles. Mental illness is not a sign of weakness, and seeking help should be seen as a sign of strength. For too long, the culture of medicine has demanded perfection from its practitioners, but it is time to recognize that doctors are human too, with the same vulnerabilities and needs as anyone else.
As Betsy reflects on the events leading up to Matt's death, she emphasizes the importance of understanding that suicide is not a choice, but a consequence of an illness. Matt did not choose to leave his family; he was overcome by a disease that robbed him of his ability to see any other way out. In understanding this, those left behind can begin to heal, knowing that they are not to blame for their loved one's death.
A Call to Action
Matt's story is a tragic reminder of the importance of mental health, especially in professions that demand so much from their practitioners. It is a call to action for the medical community to address the issue of physician suicide head-on, to create a culture where seeking help is not stigmatized but encouraged. It is also a reminder to all of us to pay attention to the signs of depression in those we love, to reach out when we see someone struggling, and to offer support without judgment.
In the end, Betsy's message is one of hope and healing. While nothing can bring Matt back, sharing his story may help prevent others from suffering the same fate. By shining a light on the dark corners of physician suicide, she hopes to bring about change—so that no other family has to endure the pain of losing a loved one in such a heartbreaking way.
The Silent Crisis in Healthcare: The Mental Health Struggles of Physicians
The Broken Health System and Its Impact on Doctors
The healthcare system is in a state of crisis. With the demands of licensing exams and the overwhelming responsibilities placed on healthcare professionals, it's clear that change is urgently needed. The system is broken, and the consequences are dire—not just for patients, but for the doctors themselves. As someone pointed out, if we don't have healthy doctors, who will take care of us?
Staggering Statistics: A Frightening Reality
The statistics are alarming. With more than 400 physicians dying by suicide each year, that's more than one doctor lost every day. This is a terrifying number that highlights the severity of the issue. The pressures of the pandemic have only exacerbated the situation, stripping doctors of their autonomy and piling on stress and uncertainty.
This increase in physician suicides mirrors the broader trend of rising mental health issues across society. The pandemic has brought additional stressors, including financial difficulties, isolation, and the grief of losing loved ones. These factors have contributed to a growing mental health crisis that is affecting all sectors of society, including our healthcare professionals.
The Importance of Talking About Mental Health
The good news is that we are starting to talk about these issues more openly. While it's not an easy subject to broach, it's crucial to have these conversations. Often, the most important discussions are the ones we shy away from, which is why so little progress has been made on such critical issues. It’s essential to push past the discomfort and engage in these dialogues to foster change.
Life After Loss: The Struggles of Moving Forward
After losing a loved one, especially in such a tragic way, life as you know it changes drastically. The identity you once had—whether as a spouse, a partner, or part of a team—gets stripped away, leaving you to navigate a new, uncertain reality. This was the case for Betsy, who shared her journey of loss and the profound impact it had on her life.
When Betsy lost her husband, Matthew, she lost more than just a spouse; she lost a significant part of her identity. As she put it, she was a doctor's wife, deeply intertwined with her husband's life and work. After his death, she found herself not only grieving the loss of her husband but also grappling with the loss of her role and the life they had built together.
Finding Strength in Faith
For Betsy, the most significant source of strength during this difficult time was her faith. She shared that while she had always been a Christian, it wasn’t until this tragedy that she developed a deeply personal relationship with Christ. Before Matthew's death, her faith was more of a background presence—something she practiced on holidays and Sundays. But after his passing, her faith became central to her daily life. Every morning began with prayer, seeking guidance and solace from God, and listening to her intuition.
This spiritual practice became the bedrock of her new life, a life drastically different from the one she had known. Betsy described how her daily routine had shifted from one of meticulous organization, where she managed household finances and logistics to accommodate her husband’s demanding career, to one that was focused on surrendering control and seeking divine guidance.
Community Support: A Lifeline in Times of Grief
In the midst of this upheaval, God placed seven women in Betsy’s life almost immediately after she and Matthew had relocated. This new community, along with a church she found quickly, became her support system. Tragically, just three months after moving, Matthew died by suicide on Thanksgiving Day. Suddenly, Betsy found herself a single mother in a town where she knew almost no one.
Despite the overwhelming challenges, Betsy experienced an outpouring of support from both old friends and new acquaintances. Her friends rallied around her, providing the emotional and practical support she desperately needed. In a particularly poignant moment, Betsy gathered her new friends for a luncheon where she read out Matthew’s obituary, sharing her story and expressing her need for help. This vulnerability allowed her to forge deep connections with these women, who became her best friends and strongest allies during this difficult time.
Navigating the Challenges of Grief During the Pandemic
The onset of the COVID-19 pandemic brought additional challenges. Betsy’s focus shifted to ensuring her children received the grief counseling and therapy they needed, a task made even more difficult by the isolation and uncertainty of the pandemic. Although the family was physically together, the emotional toll was immense. The pandemic blurred the lines between grief and everyday life, adding layers of complexity to an already challenging situation.
As time passed, Betsy noticed changes in her relationships, especially with couples who had been friends with both her and Matthew. The dynamics shifted, and some of these friendships faded. Betsy’s experience highlights a common reality for widows: the loss of a spouse often leads to the loss of other relationships as well.
The Uncomfortable Truth: It Could Happen to Anyone
One of the most difficult realizations Betsy had to face was that tragedy can strike anyone, no matter how unlikely it seems. When asked what she would say to someone who believes that such a tragedy could never happen to them, Betsy emphasized that it can happen. No one is exempt from life’s trials and challenges. After Matthew's death, she found herself questioning, "Why me?" But she soon realized, "Why not me?" She acknowledged that she had lived a charmed life up until that point, but no one is immune to suffering.
The Power of Forgiveness
For Betsy, forgiveness became a crucial part of her healing process. She explained that holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Forgiveness, she discovered, is a gift you give yourself. This perspective aligns with Christian teachings, which emphasize the importance of forgiveness as a reflection of God’s grace. Betsy’s ability to forgive allowed her to move forward without being weighed down by bitterness and anger.
Moving Forward: Life After Loss
Navigating life after the loss of a loved one, particularly a spouse, is an overwhelming journey. For many, this journey is filled with moments of grief, reflection, and ultimately, the pursuit of joy and purpose. Betsy Gahl’s story is a poignant reminder that while the pain of loss is profound, there is still life to be lived, and moving forward does not mean forgetting the past but rather carrying it with us as we embrace the future.
Embracing Simplicity and Community
Betsy emphasizes the importance of simplicity and community in the healing process. In a world that has become increasingly isolated, particularly in the aftermath of COVID-19, she advocates for the return to basic human kindness, grace, and care. Community is not just about proximity; it’s about connection, understanding, and support. It’s about having the grace to listen to others, even when we don’t agree, and the willingness to care for those around us.
During moments of waiting—whether in a reception area or in the larger context of life—Betsy suggests engaging in conversation with those nearby. This simple act can provide comfort, alleviate stress, and shift our focus away from our own anxieties. It’s a small step toward rebuilding the communal ties that are so vital to our well-being.
The Illusion of the Perfect Profession
Betsy’s book, The Illusion of the Perfect Profession, delves into the often hidden struggles of physicians, particularly the high rates of depression and suicide within the profession. The book has resonated deeply with many, including a large orthopedic practice that distributed copies to every doctor after the tragic loss of one of their anesthesiologists to suicide. Betsy’s journey in writing and sharing this book has opened doors for important conversations and brought much-needed awareness to a critical issue.
Through her talks across the country, Betsy has encountered many individuals who have been touched by her story. One poignant example is a physician who, after hearing her speak, shared his own struggles with suicidal thoughts. His story, like so many others, underscores the urgency of addressing mental health in the medical community.
Finding Joy and Purpose After Loss
While Betsy’s work on the book has been emotionally challenging, it has also been deeply rewarding. She has found a new passion in helping others through their grief and offering hope to those who feel lost. At the same time, she continues to pursue her career in real estate and enjoys working on renovation projects—activities that bring her joy and fulfillment.
Betsy also finds solace and support in community groups, such as her church’s widow support group. These groups have been instrumental in her healing journey, providing a space to share experiences and offer encouragement to others. Betsy’s message to widows is clear: life after loss is not easy, but it is possible to find happiness and purpose again. Moving forward does not mean forgetting the past but honoring it while embracing the future.
A New Chapter
Today, Betsy is living a full and joyful life. She has met a wonderful man who has brought new happiness into her life, and together, they are creating new memories while cherishing the past. Betsy’s story is one of resilience, faith, and the power of community. She encourages others to lean into their faith, find gratitude in every circumstance, and remember that life is beautiful, even in the midst of grief.
Stay Connected with Betsy
For those interested in learning more about Betsy’s journey, her book, The Illusion of the Perfect Profession, is available on her website, MarcyNettles.com under the books section. Additionally, Betsy offers the first chapter of her book as a freebie, which can be accessed through MarcyNettles.com/freebies.
Betsy is active on social media, sharing insights into her life, her work, and her ongoing journey. You can connect with her on Facebook and Instagram, where she posts regularly about her projects, her children, and her reflections on life after loss. Her hope is to provide inspiration and support to others who are navigating similar challenges.
Final Words
Betsy’s story is a testament to the strength of the human spirit and the importance of faith, community, and love. As she continues to move forward with her life, she carries the memory of her late husband, Matt, with her—proof that love endures even after loss. Her journey is a beacon of hope for those who are struggling, reminding us all that there is life beyond grief, and it can be beautiful.
Thank you for reading.
GOD Bless you.
- Marci
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